Sleeping Beauty

I attended Sleeping Beauty at Playhouse Square earlier this afternoon.  The ballet reminded me how awesome and beautiful fairies are, and how relevant they are to babies.  Many fairy-tales involve fairies, and their various blessings, curses, abductions, and guardianship of babies and young girls until they come of age.  Most of the "bad" fairies curse babies when they weren't invited to celebrate the coming, birth, or other important event in a girls life.  So, I will be making sure I invite all fairies to all important events in my future child(ren)'s life.

A good fairy also helped Princess Aurora's true love find her so they could be together, since a bad fairy had kidnapped her with the intention of keeping the lovers from each other, which does make me wonder about the involvement of fairies in my relationship with my husband.  Sometimes it certainly does take outside help in order for us to understand each other, and outside influence for us to completely misunderstand each other as well.  We certainly need to be paying attention to the good fairies, and the good outside influences that help us.  It's just so hard to tell which ones are good and which ones are not a lot of the time.

Baby Fairies

My Little Snow Fairy by Katmary
Licensed under Creative Commons

I really want a baby.  I don't hide this desire well at all.  Many people at my church know me as that lady who's always holding other people's babies.  I've been asked many times, even by people I don't know that well, whether my husband and I are trying.

When it seemed like trying was far in the future I had no issues answering this question.  Now that trying is closer (but not as close as I'd like),  I find myself being much more shy, and often quite rude, with my responses to the question.  I've recently been told by my doctor that I shouldn't try for six weeks because of some issues my body is having.  I'm pretty depressed about it.  A while ago my husband and I thought we'd be trying around this time.  We're both excited, me more than him, though.  I'm grateful that it probably won't be more than six weeks.  Still, six weeks seems like forever to me right now.

I feel like I'm meant to be a mom.  I like to think that fairies are out in the universe waiting to become the soul of my baby.  It makes it a bit easier to wait for the physical form of my baby to think that the spiritual parts are already there.  Also, I like to think that I can already communicate with them.  We already love each other, even though the physical baby is just an idea right now.

Crying

I was basically prescribed by my therapist to "have a few good cries."  It came up in conversation about some of my more depressing thoughts and why they may exist.  Crying is such a natural way to deal with stress and pain, either physical or emotional.  Since I have a tendency to prevent myself from crying (purposely in public, and often non-purposely in private) it was thought that if I cried than it would help relieve some of my depression.

Crying Fairy by Andreth
Licensed under Creative Commons

This totally makes sense.  I'm going to have to put some real effort into it though.  After thinking about it I can see crying as a spiritual practice.  It's often done in public during spiritual events like weddings and funerals.  Unfortunately, in American culture it is often discouraged.  I remember growing up and being told not to cry.  It's easy to think that if someone stops crying then they are no longer in pain, but that is not always the case.  Especially if they've been told to stop crying, then it's likely that now instead of crying they are bottling up their pain and/or stress which can have much worse future consequences than simply crying it out.

I remember a church sermon from Sharon Hogan were she promoted screaming a spiritual practice.  As a "meditation" she encouraged the congregation to scream.  I think it's a good comparison to crying as a spiritual practice since screaming is also a natural response to pain and stress.  It's much easier to scream on demand rather than cry though, which just makes it harder to incorporate crying into spirituality.  However, thinking of crying as a spiritual practice may help me to actually "have a few good cries" occasionally, maybe.

Eulogies

The Fairy's Funeral by John Anster Christian Fitzgerald

I've recently read a few books on death, and spirituality.  The end result being that now I'm thinking of eulogies for people I care about in case they were to die tomorrow. Some people are a lot harder than others.  I'm thinking of what I'd say whether the person be old or young.

It's both alarming and amusing to me that I'm doing this.  However, at the same time perhaps it's a good thing.  Really what I ought to do is tell the people how I feel about them in person.  Perhaps thinking of their eulogy will help me do that.  Not in the immediate future though.  For now I'll just continue keeping my feelings to myself.  One day, if you're lucky, I'll tell you your eulogy in person.  I suggest staying alive for a pretty long time though.  It'll be a while before I have the courage to tell you.

Prayer

Praying by Melissa Bube
Licensed under Creative Commons

I haven't really considered myself the praying type.  Sure, there are prayers said during many of the different religious services and events I've attended, but I considered these more of meditations for myself, even in Catholic and Protestant churches.  I never really thought about what prayers were or what the word even meant.  After reading this blog post from Deanna Vandiver, I've come to the conclusion that prayer is meaningful and I probably should become a praying type.  It would be a healthy thing to do.  Vandiver wrote about what a professor of hers taught her about prayer, which was:

There were really only three essential elements to any prayer, and they could be prayed through almost any life situation or stages of faith. The three elements are: 

Yes.
Thank you.
I love you.

She continued that this was a prayer she could pray, and I see it as a prayer I can pray as well. Yes, I'm experiencing life which makes me feel happy, sad, pain, and pleasure.  Thanks for such experiences, that I'm loved, and well provided for.  I love you family, friends, and interdependent web of all existence.  It's generic today, but it can be made more specific to situations as they arise.  I like that this approach to praying is so simple, to the point, and not offensive.

Autumn Fairies

Autumn Fairies by Arthur Rackham

I'm really appreciating autumn these days.  I like the colors of leaves changing, the simple beauty of watching leaves fall from trees and blanket the earth, the crispness of the air, and the sweet smell of the fallen leaves and acorns.  I enjoy hearing the pitter-patter of rain falling on gray days, and seeing the brilliance of the sun shining through the colorful remaining leaves on the trees on the sunny days (or hours as it may be in Cleveland).  Driving home through Pennsylvania yesterday I noticed how the colors of the trees seemed even brighter because of the gray sky; it was really pretty.  I like all my seasons.  During the beginning of every season I think, "this is my favorite season."  So right now, autumn is my favorite season.

I remember a scene in Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue where the little girl, Lizzy, says something the effect of "I thought the change of seasons had something to do with the axis of the earth as it rotates around the sun."  To which Tinker Bell responds, "That's just what we [fairies] wanted you [humans] to think."  Of course I know that the change in seasons really does have to do with the axis of the earth as it rotates around the sun.  However, I'm appreciative of Tink's point of view too.  There is a certain spirit to the change of seasons, and to each season specifically, which I believe fairies to create.  In the Tinker Bell movies, creating the spirit of the different seasons is the major responsibility of fairies, which they do by painting the colors of leaves, and insect wings, making the wind blow to make the leaves fall, creating dew drops, and snowflakes, etc.  Leaves change colors in Autumn because the chlorophyll is disappearing since photosynthesis won't work in the winter, but fairies paint the beauty and spirit into the changing colors of the leaves.

The Lavender Fairy

Lavender by Thowra_uk
Licensed under Creative Commons

Late last night I was pissed at the universe, and depressed.  My thoughts went back and forth between my fairies, doing something stupid, Cicely M. Barker's fairies, how angry and depressed I felt and the various reasons for it.  Going back to bed felt like the last thing I wanted to do.  Eventually I did it, because by thinking of fairies (especially Barker's) I was able to calm myself down enough.

I thought about her lovely little lavender fairy.  When I was a kid I wanted to be that fairy.  Okay, I still do.  She could play with the stalks of lavender, and fly with the butterflies.  It must smell wonderful where she lives.  She's so happy, carefree, and purple. Really, who wouldn't want to be that fairy?  I suppose if you're allergic to lavender, then you might not, but if you were a lavender fairy you wouldn't be allergic to lavender.  Lavender would be your family.